What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 01:12
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
What did i know ?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
What should I do to get over a relationship?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I think the readers, may guess!
Does the Lil Wayne song ‘Lollipop’ refers to a Lollipop sweet or a metaphor?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I said to her
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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But ive been too sick for many years..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It was going to be , some day.
Why do flat-Earthers think the Earth is flat?
All the time i was locked up.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She loved him until the end.
I was very sick at this time too.
Ive learnt so much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I dreamt my mother had died and I cried so much in my dream. What does it mean?
I could never make a relationship work though!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One cannot live in the past .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was seconnd youngest,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So, i spoilt her more .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why did i forgive my father ?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was in good health!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im still living with it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
When she asked me how she looked .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She married twice! .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was 9 years of age.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I write beautiful poetry .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Especially a lifetime of it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We all went to grammer schools
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My family never makes their pension either.
So whats the point in blame.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I will be 64.
Comes on , in middle age.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And i lived it daily.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I waited trembling.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Would this be the day?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But, we were locked up after school.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was scared of men, in general
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I have no regrets .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She found it foreign!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Who then, do I blame.?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
This is soul school!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I don,t even have a pension.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But it wasn’t much.
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Put me off passion for life!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She wouldn,t have been !
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He knew the spot.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My life is so biszare .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We were not on the streets..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!